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The ninja-replacement scale of literature

  • Mar. 10th, 2007 at 8:44 PM
celebration, frivolity, dancing, La!, joy
It occurs to me you can rate other works of literature by how many characters need to be replaced by ninjas to make it better. For example, for other recent reading:
Shelley's Prometheus Unbound - Would be improved if either Asia or Panthea was a ninja -- I'm not sure which would be better. Both wouldn't work, though.

Byron's Manfred - The whole bleeping cast needs to be replaced by ninjas (except for the spirits, who'd have to be tengus). And then drop-kicked off the Jungfrau.

Keats's Endymion - Ninjas would be superfluous.
This gives them ninja-replacement scores (NRS) of 1, ∞, and 0, respectively. It also works with prose -- Lord of the Rings has an NRS of 0 (the only possible improvement is ninja!Sam, but that wrecks the last line), while Pride and Prejudice has NRS = 5 (arguably).

Care to rate any others?

ETA: Ninja-replacement in Shakespeare is being discussed here.

---L.
  • Reading:Endymion, Keats

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( Read 88 comments — Leave a comment )
lnhammer
Mar. 11th, 2007 02:44 pm (UTC)
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a fortune must be in want of a personal assassin."

Don't ninja anyone but the Bennett sisters, though -- not even the others. But them? Oh yeah.

---L.
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pbray
Mar. 11th, 2007 03:10 pm (UTC)
Are we sure that Lady Catherine de Bourgh wasn't a ninja?
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lnhammer
Mar. 11th, 2007 03:12 pm (UTC)
Then she would have just offed Lizzie, no? Either directly or after the refusal.

---L.
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pbray
Mar. 11th, 2007 04:52 pm (UTC)
Her failure to immdediately off Lizzie is most likely attributable to Austen's limited understanding of Ninja tactics--a common failing among 19th century authors.
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sartorias
Mar. 11th, 2007 04:08 pm (UTC)
I dunno, Lydia and Kitty would make pretty silly ninjas. But Jane and Elizabeth? Awesome.

*pausing to reflect on serious butt-kickage earned by Lady Catherine...*
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lnhammer
Mar. 11th, 2007 04:19 pm (UTC)
Kitty and Maria wouldn't be particularly good ninjas. But for character parity, the five have to be in some sense more or less equivalent -- especially Lydia with Jane and Lizzie.

*imagines the interview of Lady Catherine and Lizzie done with serious wire fu*

---L.
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incandragon
Mar. 11th, 2007 04:34 pm (UTC)
NNNOOOOOOOO!!! I WANT!!!

*whimper*

Can I fan fic this?
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lnhammer
Mar. 11th, 2007 04:45 pm (UTC)
Please do. So I can read it!

---L.
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sartorias
Mar. 11th, 2007 04:47 pm (UTC)
This is true. Silly is good. But I would really like to see Miss Bingley launched through a window to splat into a horsepond.
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lnhammer
Mar. 11th, 2007 04:53 pm (UTC)
Janni points out one issue: If Lydia is a ninja, why do we need Darcy to force Wickham to marry her?

Clearly some clever plotting is required for some of these.

---L.
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sartorias
Mar. 11th, 2007 05:56 pm (UTC)
Because she's Lydia--she cheated her way through the tests, and never practiced, always relying on excuses, wheedling and bribes. Nah, it works.

We know of course that Darcy would be a superduper ninja, and Wickham a lousy one (see Lydia's method of passing the tests) so he's gonna have to square up and do right.

Now, if Lady Catherine is a ninja, everything goes up in the air. Except poor Anne, of course, "who would have been a proficient, if her health had permitted her to learn."
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lnhammer
Mar. 11th, 2007 06:05 pm (UTC)
You've sold me.

---L.
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sartorias
Mar. 11th, 2007 06:25 pm (UTC)
My work here is done.
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